Shift Chapter Four: Tea and Chat.

Chapter Four

Tea and Chat

George Mainwaring had been a Clerk for a long time. He'd seen many younger, less experienced men progress to full Auditor status ahead of him, and the injustice of it was a constant glowing ball of rage in the pit of his stomach. He knew why, of course. His section had harboured a traitor. After that bastard had been caught subverting the work of The Office, and then gone on to escape confinement to join up with the Black Guard, well, the career progression of everyone unlucky enough to be tainted by any connection to such a degenerate was always going to be seriously curtailed.

He crouched down next to the ragged crater which disfigured what had, until half an hour before been a pristine lawn. The smell of damp earth assaulted Mainwaring's nose. He ignored it and placed a delicate pair of gold rimmed Pince Nez onto his long, aqualine nose. Instantly he perceived the landscape around him to change. Glowing neon doors and pathways appeared before his eyes - one such door suspended in mid-air above the crater. He knew that the Traitor and the girl had either gone through that door, or been vaporised in the explosion. He really hoped he'd find some remains. Being the Clerk who was able to present definitive proof that the Traitor was dead would make him a hero. Would make him an Auditor.

He pulled what looked like a silver pocket watch out of the pocket of his pin-striped waistcoat, flipped open the case and held it up. He looked disapprovingly at the dial for a long moment then cursed under his breath, snapped the watch shut and returned it to his pocket. He tapped a small device attached to his left ear and spoke.

"No trace of biological remains, my Lord. We must assume that the Traitor and the girl have escaped."

He waited, and after a second he heard a familiar raspy voice in his ear. "Can you follow?"

Mainwaring looked up at the glowing neon door. Before the landmine had exploded it had been at ground level, now it hovered a few feet above the floor of the crater. He tapped his Pince Nez and watched a stream of data scroll across his vision. "The portal is active, my Lord. The Traitor tried to seal it behind him, but it looks as though the explosion negated his efforts."

The raspy voice crackled in his ear. "Then go and get him, Clerk  Mainwaring. Succeed and you will be rewarded."

Mainwaring reached out and grabbed the brown leather gladstone bag at his side and tapped his ear again. "Acknowledged, my Lord. I'll bring him back in chains."

With that he took a step back, and then leaped high into the air, somersaulting through the neon green door. There was a flash of purple, and he vanished.

-oOo-

Ellie didn't open her eyes. Instead she just lay perfectly still and tried to work out what was happening. She could tell that she was laying down on a thin mattress, but one that was much more comfortable than the one from the bench in the cell she'd woken up in earlier.  Her head was pounding again, and the inside of her mouth felt as though it had been coated with stale sandpaper. She gave some serious thought to trying to sleep through the pain, but a weedy whistling sound pierced her eardrums as it grew in intensity. Groggily she sat up and turned in the direction of the infernal wailing screech.

"Ah, back with us then?"

It was the man in the bowler hat. He was lifting an old fashioned whistling kettle off the top of a gas stove. Ellie sat up properly and squinted painfully at her surroundings. "Is this a camper van?"

The man in the bowler hat poured boiling water from the kettle into a teapot. "It's a 1967 Mark One VW Camper." There was a note of pride in his voice. "Extensively restored and refurbished, of course, but it's home."

Ellie rubbed a hand through her matted mop of shoulder length blondeish locks. The side door of the van was open and she could make out the shadowy shapes of trees outside. It appeared to be night time. How long had she been out? She wondered. "You live in this?"

The man in the bowler hat gave the tea pot a reverent swish. "Most of the time. It makes for a versatile base of operations, and it helps to keep on the move." He placed the tea pot on the little foldable table next to the seat/bed that Ellie was sitting on and then reached into an overhead locker to retrieve two paper thin white porcelain teacups and saucers.

"Earl Grey?"

Ellie wrinkled her nose. "Don't think so. Any coffee?"

The man in the bowler hat shook his head. "Coffee would be a really bad idea. Trust me, a nice cup of Earl Grey is exactly what you need." He poured a stream of steaming pale gold liquid into each cup, then grabbed a half empty bottle of milk from the tiny 'fridge that was next to the camper van's sink and poured a splash into the cup nearest him. "It'll make you feel better." He reached over, grabbed a jar of sugar and tipped two huge spoonfuls into the tea, giving it a vigorous stir.

"You ought really to drink it as is, but if you insist on being a heathen you can have milk and sugar." He took a big swig, and plonked the cub back onto the saucer. "Seriously - there's something in the bergamot oil that helps with the phase displacement symptoms." He fixed her eyes. "I need you on top form. Get it down you."

Ellie sighed and dumped two heaped spoons of sugar and a generous glug of milk into her cup. She stirred the brew absent mindedly and then slammed a fist into the table with enough force to splash milky earl grey onto the formica. The man in the bowler hat showed no sign of surprise, and met her furious gaze with an infuriatingly patient smile.

"I imagine you have some questions."

"Too bloody right I've got some questions!" Ellie didn't know how long it had been since her kidnapping, but she was certain she'd absolutely run out of calm.

"Who are you? Where the hell were we? Who was trying to blow us up? What the hell is going on? I mean, URARGH!"

The last exclamation was accompanied by a frustrated flapping of hands, and then Ellie flopped against the cushion of the backrest and hung her head.

The man in the bowler hat smiled sadly.

"I know it's frustrating. I'm sorry they got you involved, but I suppose it was inevitable really." He sighed. "I've already told you that you're not going to believe a lot of this. All I can say is that everything I'm going to tell you is the absolute truth as I understand it."

He took another swig of tea.

"My name is Viscount Tristian Ignacious Augustine of the House of Rerum. I am a soldier of the Black Guard, dedicated to resisting the tyranny of The Auditors and the maintenance of free will." He paused, a self depricating grin creasing his face for the merest of moments. "But my friends call me Shift."

Ellie looked up, eyes steely. "So, Viscount. What the fuck does that actually mean, and what has it got to do with me?"

The man in the bowler hat grinned again. "Oh, I can see I'm really going to like you!" He poured some more tea from the pot into his cup and continued.

"We live in an infinite universe, yes?" He paused, looking expectantly at Ellie. She nodded. The man in the bowler hat continued.

"If the universe is infinite, then everything that can happen at any moment must happen somewhere. And it does.  Most of the time." He paused again, twiddling with his tea cup. "Everything that can happen, does happen, and it happens everywhere at the same time. Right now there are an infinite number of me having an infinite number of this conversation with an infinite number of you. Some of them are so similar as to be functionally indistinguishable - they might differ by the length of a breath, or a slight difference in intonation. Some will be so different that they'll be unrecognisable." He paused once more and looked at Ellie to see her reaction.

She took a sip of tea and replied "parallel universes?"

"Yes. Well. No. Not really. Well, not at all actually. There's only one universe Ellie - that's what "Uni" means." He reached forwards and placed his now empty teacup on the saucer. "Infinite variations of everything that can happen are happening everywhere in the universe. Essentially, everything is happening in the same time at the same place. The space a person occupies is also being inhabited by an infinite number of other versions of themselves. Mostly they cannot perceive their alternate selves, but nevertheless, they are there."

Ellie was about to ask another question when her attention was diverted by the unmistakable click of a cocking pistol.

-oOo-

Clerk George Mainwaring has approached the black camper van cautiously. Surely the Traitor wasn't so arrogant as to imagine he wouldn't have been pursued?  He took a position behind a largeish tree and watched. The interior of the VW Camper - a ridiculous affectation in his opinion - was illuminated and the sliding side door was wide open.

Silently he reached into the gladstone bag and pulled out the dull grey lump of a large revolver. Leaving the bag at the base of the tree he moved with astonishing silence and grace towards the open sided van. Inside he could see the Traitor and the girl sipping tea, evidently engaged in conversation. If he had not been relying on stealth he would have tutted.

The Traitor was making this so easy George was almost offended. The Traitor was degenerate scum, but he had auditor training -he knew what the Auditor protocol for this kind of incident was. Knowing that, how could he sit here in this forest with no defences? The arrogant presumption of it was infuriating!

Aiming the pistol squarely at the Traitor's head, George stepped into the open door of the van and cocked the pistol.

-oOo-

Viscount Tristian Ignacious Augustine of the House of Rerum looked up. "Hello George." His voice was mild and betrayed no hint of panic, in spite of the lethal looking weapon aimed between his eyes.

George Mainwaring scowled. "Tristian." His voice was heavy with malice.

Tristian flashed a dazzling grin. "You're still cross, aren't you?"

The pistol lowered, just a fraction. Mainwaring's tone wavered between incredulity and fury. "Cross?! CROSS?!" His left hand raised the gun back to Tristian's forehead and his free right hand pointed in accusation. "You betrayed all of us. You were our leader and you betrayed everything we stood for - left us all! Have you any idea what that did to the team? What happened to us?" His voice was quavering now, emotion welling up inside him. His finger tightened on the trigger.

Tristian's smile didn't waver, but he raised his hands in surrender. "It really wasn't like that. What I did, I did because there was no alternative. I know you don't want to hear this George, but what I did was the right thing. I know there were consequences for you and the team, but honestly, if I'd acted otherwise it would have been much, much worse. I'm glad you're here now though, because there are a couple of things I need to say."

George Mainwaring adjusted his grip on the pistol. "What?"

"I want to say I'm sorry. We were brothers in arms, we fought together. Because of me the team was broken up, you're all still Clerks. I know what I did to you. I didn't want to, but I had to. I'm sorry George, I really am. I've wanted to say that to you for a long time."

Mainwaring's arm stiffened but his aim remained solid. "Too little, too late, Traitor. You're going to die here, and the girl is coming back to The Office where she belongs."

Tristian's eyes locked onto Mainwaring's. "I can't tell you how sorry I am that you feel this way, George."

Mainwaring pushed the pistol closer to Tristian's forehead. "Any last words?"

Ellie shifted in her seat, trying to see if she could lunch for the pistol. Tristian flashed her the briefest of holding glances. "As it happens," he drawled, "yes."

His raised hands flashed a wave. "See ya!"

There was a blinding purple flash and George Mainwaring found himself confused and alone in the middle of the forest.